What do you think of my short story? I got bored and wrote it, im in the 9th grade.?

When I recall some of the best times in my life, I often think about a little trip I took back in the summer of '04.

If made into a movie, this story could be considered a drama, comedy, or even a romance tale, but most would consider it all three rolled into one.

It came about suddenly and unexpectedly. My friend of many years, Bert, and his mother decided to join several of their friends at the last minute on a trip to their favorite vacation spot, Destin, Florida. I was then invited along by Bert as we did most everything together.

Besides the planning that comes along with most vacations, it started out very typical. We loaded up the car on a Friday afternoon, and planned to leave the next morning, however, at 3 AM we all three, (Bert, myself, and Bert's mom), found ourselves wide awake and, figuring we wouldn't get much sleep anyway, decided to depart for Florida right then and there.

After a quick stop at Hardee's to fulfill our late night munchies, we were on our way.

To take up the time we decided to watch some movies on a portable DVD player we had brought along, which in theory was a good idea, but not in the backseat with Bert. He was quickly asleep and had taken up most of the room. I tried to keep my own space, but within 30 minutes he had sprawled out all over the backseat, including on top of me, and I couldn't stand it. I decided to move up to the front seat with Bert's mom, which wasn't so bad, except for the fact that for the next eight hours, of which about 3 of them I had the pleasure of sleeping, she forced me to listen to some of the worst music I have ever experienced in my entire life. I'm still not quite sure who it was singing, but a female country singer giving her rendition of famous Elvis songs has never sounded so bad.

At about noon my ears were finally granted some relief when Bert awoke and commanded his mom to turn on some new music and stop torturing me.

The next few hours were not so bad. I had good music, someone to talk to, and some nice ocean views. Even with all this, the time couldn't come soon enough for us to get out of the car and get our vacation started.

Right around 3PM we finally rolled into the parking lot of our motel, The Ocean Moon Inn. I couldn't wait to get unpacked, get poolside, and get some tropical drinks in my hand...sure, I got all that, but I also got something I didn't bargain for.

As I stepped out of the car the first thing I had to do was stretch, as it had been a very long and cramped ride. As I was doing so I gazed up to take in what would be my home for the next week, and as I swung my view from left to right, there she was, sitting with a group of friends on the staircase leading up to the second floor. We made eye contact for what seemed to be forever, and then she glanced away. My heart thumped, I felt a sudden rush of adrenaline, and then I quickly grabbed my bags and made my way down a hallway and out of sight to think about what had just happened. I wasn't sure if Bert had seen her or not, I was sure he noticed the loud group of mostly boys surrounding one or two girls, but I wasn't sure if he had really noticed the one that I had, or the way that she looked at me.

The motel was a sort of "L" shape. It had two stories, and was quite small with only about 30 rooms. They all opened up to the pool which was in the center of the "L". It was an outdoor motel with no lobby, no indoor hallways, no convention rooms, as in you were either inside a bedroom, or you were outdoors.

Bert followed me as we quickly made our way to room 205. We were familiar with its location as we had both stayed in it only a year before, along with Bert having stayed in it with his family for nearly the past 5 years.

We opened the door and a cool breeze rushed us from inside the room. Bert unknowingly plopped down onto one of the beds, and rolled over as if to go to sleep.

I stood there for a few moments and then blurted out, "Did you see that girl?"

"What girl," said Bert, his voice muffled by the pillow his face was planted in.

"The one at the top of the steps!"

Bert rolled over, "Which one at the top of the steps...the dark haired one?"

I nodded my head.

"Yeah, what about her?" said Bert.” Did you think she was hot?"

I didn't reply. I just stood there with a "DUH" look on my face.

A few more seconds passed and finally Burt assured me, "She wasn't that great." Dismissing the idea entirely and rolling back over.

For the next hour or two we relaxed, watched MTV, and ate Cheetos...correction, Bert relaxed, watched MTV, I also ate the Cheetos (and some Ho-Ho's), but I couldn't do anything but think about those few seconds that I made eye contact with the girl on the stairs and the feeling that she gave me, even though I didn't even know her.

I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, as Bert obviously didn't feel the same way as I did, but I couldn't get her out of my head. I wondWhat do you think of my short story? I got bored and wrote it, im in the 9th grade.?
First person is very hard to write in because it seems like you are saying "I" all the time. Also, you spent so much time getting to Florida, that you don't have a plot going yet. You could either write in in a diary form, which would cut out some details, or you could put it in third person, to so it would move at a faster pace.What do you think of my short story? I got bored and wrote it, im in the 9th grade.?
TMTH...hahahWhat do you think of my short story? I got bored and wrote it, im in the 9th grade.?
a biiitt to long
There's too much for me to read through. I stopped at Hardee's. I stopped there because you are tell, tell, tell... I'm not having to use any of my senses, and that makes it boring. There is no real detail. I don't know what the weather is like, what your friend looks like, what kind of car you're in, is the road bumpy, is the 3am air damp or chilly. You need to engage your reader and not just tell them stuff. Good luck, I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Keep writing!